It’s the night everyone’s been waiting for! Better than Christmas, better than your birthday, better than a month-long vacation in Aruba – it’s the Biggest Loser season finale!
 Only four contestants left, so you know what that means! Lots and lots of episode padding, loads of thoughtful introspection, and an overuse of the word “last.”
 Don’t call it a comeback! Okay, yes, call it a comeback. Biggest Loser did. Bob and his Comeback Canyon champion return to the Ranch and Rob is not happy about it. But when is Rob ever happy about anything?
 Is there anything better than giving a bunch of semi-fatties a wash and a scrub and then stuffing them into clothes that don’t quite fit yet and unleashing them on unsuspecting family members and friends? No. No, there isn’t. Welcome to Makeover Week!
 There seems to be an obsession this week with making the contestants climb up on top of really tall things and then leap to certain death. Maybe the trainers are hoping to have a little poolside time while they’re in Hawaii and killing off their charges is the easiest way. Smart.
 Ah, Hawaii … the surf, the sand, the ice addicts, and now that the Biggest Losercrew is headed there, the beach burpees. That sounds much better than sitting poolside and watching the sun set. Much better.
 Hm? What? What do you mean Biggest Loser is back? They’ve been off since mid-November! Why would they come back during the holiday break? It makes no sense! Well, okay, I’ll recap it, but I won’t like it.
 President Obama thought talking about immigration law was more important than watching a bunch of semi-porkers sweating Crisco in the gym. So without knowing the theme this week, we’ll just have to wing it.
 The lopsided teams get a much-needed reshuffling as most of the players get new trainers. And, you guessed it, whine about it. You’re on the show to lose weight! Who cares who’s screaming in your face at the gym?
 A bunch of washed-up former football players come to the ranch to show the contestants that with drive, hard work, and determination, they too can someday be washed-up former football players.
 This week, one team gets sent off to Vegas, where a week of booze, hookers, a blow has absolutely no effect on their weight loss whatsoever, to the eternal frustration of the show’s producers.
 After the world’s dullest softball game – and that’s saying something – the contestants play a variation of Dunk the Clown, said clowns being their respective trainers. It’s all fun and games until someone plunges into the pool in $1,500 shoes.
 In a move that seems counter-intuitive to weight loss, the contestants have to eat as much shitty tailgating food as they can to win immunity at the weigh-in. Mmmmmm, shitty tailgating food
 Are you looking for Biggest Loser high drama? Catfights, screaming matches, and complete emotional meltdowns? Well, don’t look to this snoozer of an episode, because it’s nothing but a pile of fluff.
 This week, one of the Biggest Loser contestants wins the lottery, which turns out to be a trip to New Jersey. Wait, that can’t be right.
 This week we discover who knows about nutrition, who has the most stamina on a spin bike, and who’s a 39-year-old virgin. Maybe Doctor H has a cream for that?
 The contestants knock down walls and have emotional breakthroughs, and Dr. H makes the scene to tell all the contestants that their fat is killing them. Like that’s some sort of revelation.
 New contestants. New trainers. New opportunities to get back on the ranch if you get kicked off. Same old blubber.
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