It’s the fi-nal count-down! Nah-nah nah naaah! Nah nah nah-nah-nah! Nah-nah nah naaah! Nah-nah nah-nah-nah-nah naaah! We finally find out who’s made it into the finale! Unless those Biggest Loser fuckers pull a last-minute swerve …
In the first half of tonight’s double-header, the contestants risk drowning to win a one-pound advantage on the scale, and the rest of it is mostly padding and product placement since there are so few fatties left. Jennie-O turkey away!
That’s right, it’s Makeover Week! Time for Tim Gunn to stuff some semi-fatties into Spanx and tell them they’re beautiful, and then we can parade them at the county fair for that ever-elusive blue ribbon.
We’ve still got an hour to go, so let’s keep rolling! The contestants are given free rein this week, to either go do fun, life-enriching things or keep working out like they’ve done for nine weeks now. Me? I’d be outta there like a shot.
For tonight’s first helping of carrot sticks and celery, one fatty from each team gets sent home for the week, and their weight is all that matters on the Scales of Doom. All that matters! Meanwhile … well, actually, there is no B story, so enjoy!
In part two of this week’s two-hour-yet-one-hour-episodes, the contestants are thrown into boats and forced to paddle out to a yacht, where The Skipper and Gilligan are waiting to give them a three-hour tour. And then there’s a bunch of crying. Status quo.
This week’s first Biggest Loser presents us with a mixed message: The contestants are presented with the temptation of luxury, and yet when they scoop up the luxuries like a pack of rabid Kardashians, they’re not made to feel guilty about any of it. Isn’t temptation bad? I’m so lost.
Hour two is upon us, and it’s time for this season’s BIG TWIST. They’re going to mix up the teams, and everyone’s going to whinge and moan about losing their trainer and teammates. Whatever. Just lose weight, you bunch of fatty crybabies.
In this week’s first episode, the contestants are forced into a terribly convoluted game of Simon to prove that they’re addicted to their iPhones. Don’t ask me, I just work here. But things look up when they get to chat with the folks at home and the tears start a-flowin’!
It’s next week but it’s still this week, if you can dig that. In the second part of tonight’s double-header, the fatties are forced to drag food trucks in the scorching heat, and then show off their mad rowing skills. Oh, and some Spanish chick comes to cook.
Okay, so, I don’t know what’s going on at NBC’s scheduling department, but we’ve got two episodes of The Biggest Loser back to back tonight and for the foreseeable future. We’re binge-watching the binge eaters!
It’s Season 17, bitches! New Biggest Loser host Bob Harper assures us that everything has changed, but really, it’s still a show about screaming at and torturing a bunch of fatties. So let’s get to it!